


tell me how good it feels to be needed

by elusivedays



Category: The Dolan Twins, Video Blogging RPF, Vlogging rpf, Youtube RPF, ethan dolan - Fandom, grayson dolan - Fandom, sister squad
Genre: Ethan is a boy, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Genderswap, Grayson is a girl, Hurt/Comfort, Infidelity, Jealousy, Multiple Orgasms, Overstimulation, Rough Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Sort Of, Twincest, Underage Drinking, Unrequited Love, Unsafe Sex, girl!Grayson Dolan
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-12-18
Packaged: 2020-01-16 02:54:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 16,770
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18512434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elusivedays/pseuds/elusivedays
Summary: Grayson wanted to cut in and actually beg him to stop before he said too much and she fell in love even more than she already was (if that was even possible), but at the same time, she wanted to just listen to what he had to say. She wanted to know how he saw her and what he thought of her and hang on to any bit of it that would give her hope that they could possibly be more than what they were.orGrayson is in love with Ethan who is with Emma.





	1. but all I can say is at least I’ll wait for you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [goldengrethan](https://archiveofourown.org/users/goldengrethan/gifts).



> Hello all! 
> 
> This is my first time ever writing a fan fic that isn't for a band/group I like so idk why, but it was a bit of a struggle for me at first. My friend is a big fan of the Dolan Twins and I'm just a sucker for genderswap stories and apparently there aren't a lot in this fandom so I thought I'd give it a shot. If that's not your thing, I suggest you stop reading now. If anyone is wondering, I used Taylor Hill for female Grayson. I'm aiming for 2 parts to this story so the next chapter will be the last. I usually only write one shots but this one kind of grew on it's own so I decided to split it into two parts for the sake of my sanity. Tags will be added as I go along so please make sure you pay attention to those.
> 
> Thanks to **goldengrethan** for dealing with my bitching and giving me info on the twins! I love you. Check her stories out if you haven't! 
> 
> Also, I apologize in advance but this is unedited.
> 
> Title from Ariana Grande's song Needy.
> 
> I hope you enjoy and thank you for reading!

_Sorry if I'm up and down a lot  
Sorry that I think I'm not enough  
And sorry if I say sorry way too much_

“Gray, did you finish editing yet?”

Grayson tore her eyes away from the computer screen, turning to look at her twin when she heard him speak, seeing Ethan leaning against the doorframe, watching her curiously.

“Just about,” she murmured, stretching her arms over her head as she turned her chair to face him.

“Did you pick up food?” She asked, grinning when he nodded.

“Yeah, Emma and I picked up some Thai on our way home.” 

Grayson fought to keep her smile from faltering. “Emma’s here?” She asked softly, turning back to face the computer screen.

“Yeah, I picked her up on my way home from the gym.” Ethan said, Grayson rolling her eyes as she went through the footage they recorded the other day again. “I’m gonna shower, but come out and eat. Emma’s in the living room so keep her company please.”

Grayson hummed in response, sighing when she heard her brother close the door once he left. “Just one fucking day without her.” She grumbled, no longer focused on her editing as she rubbed her temples tiredly.

She knew she had absolutely no reason to hate Emma. She was a nice enough girl, and Ethan seemed to be pretty happy with her, but she couldn’t bring herself to like the girl who she felt took her twin away from her.

Grayson wasn’t oblivious to her feelings for Ethan. She had come to accept them last year when she walked in on her twin and Emma fucking at some party they went to. She’d gotten physically ill, but it was easy to blame  
It on the fact that she saw her brother having sex and not because she’d felt as if her heart had been broken into fucking pieces.

Ethan had joked about it the next day and then him and Emma became official only a few weeks later.

The year had been long and torturous since then and Grayson had found herself hanging onto her composure by a thread most days.

She took her time editing before she came out and saw Emma curled up on the couch, eating her food.

“Hey Gray!” She grinned when she saw the other girl, Grayson easily smiling back. She’d had enough practice to learn how to fake her behavior around her brother and his girlfriend.

“Hey,” she checked through the takeout containers and grabbed the pad Thai that she knew was for her. Ethan knew all of her favorites so he never had to ask what she wanted. “what do you guys got going on today? I thought you were supposed to film with James.” 

She sat across from Emma, cross legged on the chair while she began to eat.

“Yeah, I’m supposed to go over a bit later. Wanted to spend some time with Ethan before I do. I’ll be leaving tomorrow morning to head to New York and I won’t be back for a week.” Emma explained and Grayson could have cheered right then and there.

“Oh really? I’m sure Ethan will be whining the whole time you’re away.” Grayson said with a light eyeroll, making Emma laugh. 

“Shut up,” The girls looked up and Grayson felt her mouth go dry when she saw a shirtless Ethan make his way into the living room. She swallowed thickly and looked away, picking at her food while she saw her brother plop down next to Emma from the corner of her eye.

“You didn’t deny it.” She scoffed, ignoring the tug she felt in her chest when she watched Emma kiss his cheek. 

“I’ll miss you too,” she cooed teasingly at Ethan, making him smirk.

“And that’s my cue to go.” Gray laughed, genuinely not wanting to be around the couple. 

Ethan looked up at his sister when she stood with her food. “You don’t want to watch a movie with us?” He asked, a bit disappointed she didn’t want to hang out.

“No, no, enjoy your time together before Em has to head out.” Gray said as she made her way to the stairs. “Have a safe flight.” She said to the other girl who smiled and thanked her.

Once inside her room, she relaxed a bit, relieved she didn’t have to be around the nauseating couple for long. She sighed when she heard Emma laugh loudly downstairs, going to situate herself on her bed with her food and laptop, plugging in her earbuds as she put something on Netflix on.

She instinctively gravitated to some cheesy romance movie, unable to help but wonder if maybe she would get over this immoral crush of hers if she just found someone to call her own.

___

“Gray,”

Grayson groaned quietly when she heard her name being called, nuzzling her pillow. “No,” she mumbled to the voice, trying to fall back into her dreamless sleep.

“Gray, get up.” 

She grunted when she suddenly felt a heavy weight on her, causing her to fully wake up.

“Dude, what the hell?” She groaned when she realized her twin was smothering her. “Ethan, get off, you’re fucking heavy!” 

She heard a low chuckle in her ear before Ethan rolled off of her, the younger twin huffing and glaring over at her brother after sitting up and rubbing tiredly at her eyes. “What the hell is wrong with you? I was sleeping, you ass.” 

She looked back and saw her twin looking annoyingly unbothered as he laid in her bed. 

“I’m bored, dude. Spend some time with me.” 

“No, you needy prick.” Gray sighed as she lay back next to him. “Go hang out with your girlfriend and get out of my room.”

“Nope.” Ethan rolled onto his side, propping his head up with his hand and smiling at his sister. “We should watch a movie or something. Emma left an hour ago and you haven’t spent time with me all day.”

Gray hated the stupid butterflies she got whenever Ethan demanded her time and attention. “I didn’t wanna third wheel you and Emma, Ethan.” She said, rolling her eyes and turning to face her wall. “I’m tired, we’ll hang out tomorrow or something.” 

“Graaaaaay,” Ethan groaned, Grayson trying not to tense up when his arm was suddenly around her waist, tugging her back into his chest. 

Why was he doing this to her? Her heart felt like it was going to leap out of her chest.

“You know I don’t want you thinking you’re a third wheel. Is that how you felt today? You need to tell me these things, I’ll tell Emma to tone down the pda. I don’t want you feeling weird.” 

She hated him so much; hated how he put her first and yet, she couldn’t have him. Why was the universe so cruel?

“It’s fine, E.” She sighed, trying to shrug him off, only to grunt when he squeezed her tighter. “I didn’t feel like a third wheel, I just wanted you to spend some time together before she left.”

“You’re keeping something from me.” Ethan’s words made Grayson freeze up, her eyes widening a bit and she was so thankful she wasn’t facing him. Did he know? Was she being that fucking obvious?

“What are you talking about, dude?” She laughed. “You know I can’t even lie to you, how would I keep something from you?” 

“You’ve been acting weird lately.” Ethan shot back without missing a beat. “You hardly ever wanna hang out anymore. It’s like you’re distancing yourself from me.”

Grayson swallowed the lump of guilt she felt forming in her throat. “Of course I’m not doing that, E. I’ve just been a bit tired with all of the events we’ve had to attend and stuff.” She insisted.

Ethan was quiet for a moment and Grayson could only focus on breathing in and out slowly, trying not to panic as the silence dragged on. She had such a hard time lying to her brother, but she hoped she sounded convincing.

“Whatever, don’t tell me then.” 

Her chest was tight when she heard Ethan’s tone, knowing he was upset and frowning when he released her and she felt the weight beside her vanish.

“E-“

By the time Grayson sat up, her door was being slammed shut, making her flinch and let out a soft sigh. 

“Fuck.”

___

The next morning was incredibly awkward. Ethan was merciless as he practically ignored Grayson, only acknowledging her when she spoke to him and even then his responses were curt.

Grayson knew she needed to somehow fix their situation, but she couldn’t think of what to say. She’d be lying no matter what she said, unless she told him the truth and there was absolutely no way in hell she could do that, but Ethan would be able to tell right away if she wasn’t being honest so in short, she was fucked. 

“Hey, do you wanna go out for dinner?” She decided to try and do the shitty thing and act as if everything was fine when she approached her brother later that evening, finding him in the living room, on his phone.

“I’m not hungry.” Ethan said, not looking up from his phone when he spoke, making Grayson frown.

“Well, did you wanna go out tonight? Get out the house for a bit?” She tried again, chewing on her bottom lip as she awaited his response.

Ethan sighed, finally looking up at Grayson, eyebrow raised. “No, not really.”

Grayson could feel the knots in her stomach form as she grew upset. “What is your problem?” She finally blurted, hands clenched into small fists at her sides. “You’re acting like a dick.” 

Ethan scoffed, standing so he was towering over her. “Oh, now you wanna talk about what’s wrong?” He shouldered past her, heading up to his room while Grayson remained in her spot, eyes tearing up.

“Ethan, seriously?” She exclaimed after a moment, following after her brother and pushing his door open before he could close it on her. “I told you what was wrong, why won’t you just fucking drop it?” 

Ethan glared down at his sister, faltering only slightly when he saw the tears in her eyes. “Because that’s such bullshit, Gray! I’m not a fucking idiot! I know you better than anyone else and I know when you’re lying to me!” He exclaimed. 

Grayson couldn’t help it when her expression fell, her chest tight and the words she was trying so hard to suppress bubbling up her throat against her will. “I feel like I’m losing you!” She exclaimed before she could stop herself, the waterworks coming on and only adding to her humiliation. “Fuck, dude. I feel like Emma is taking you away from me.” She cried, turning on her heel and storming out of his room.

She hadn’t been able to even see his expression, eyes clouded with tears, but she didn’t want to. She knew she probably sounded so stupid, so fucking needy, but she was just relieved she didn’t release the full truth. She’d made a complete ass of herself but at least she didn’t sever her relationship with her twin by admitting her feelings.

She locked herself in her room, not wanting Ethan to see her like this, but of course her twin wouldn’t just leave her alone after that outburst.

“Go away, E.” She tried to keep her voice as stable as possible when she heard him knock on her door and call out to her.

“Gray, come on.” Her heart clenched at the desperation in his tone. “Look, I’m sorry for yelling and I’m sorry for- fuck, dude I didn’t know. I’m sorry for making you feel like I was choosing Emma over you, you know that’s not how it is. You’re my favorite person, Gray. She would never come before you.” 

The words made Grayson feel better and worse and the younger of the two wanted nothing more than to just let her brother in, but she was so scared she’d spill more of her feelings to him. She didn’t want to ruin their relationship; she didn’t want to make him hate her.

“I’m just being an idiot,” she sniffed after a moment of silence between them. “I’m being a brat, it’s not a big deal-“

“It is a big deal, dude! Of course your feelings are a big fucking deal. Gray, _open the door_.” 

Grayson shivered at the sound of her brother’s tone, reluctantly going to open the door and not having time to brace herself before she was being lifted off of the ground and pulled into a tight hug.

“E-Ethan-“ she gasped out, struggling to breathe as her brother squeezed her.

Of course he didn’t pay any mind to her attempt at protesting, just hugging her close and nuzzling her neck. “I’m sorry,” he murmured into her skin. “Fuck, I feel like a dumbass.”

Grayson couldn’t help but laugh a bit, finally putting her arms around Ethan’s neck and hugging him back, enjoying the closeness. “You _are_ a dumbass.” She said teasingly.

When Ethan finally put her down, Grayson wiped at her eyes, smiling up at her brother. “Seriously E, don’t sweat it.”

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner, Gray?” Ethan asked, not returning his sister’s smile as he stared down at her. “Has this been going on since the beginning? For a whole fucking year?” 

Grayson winced at his tone, sighing as she ran her fingers through her hair. “No? I don’t know, I just- you’ve been so happy since you two started dating. I didn’t want to fuck things up for you, I still don’t.” She insisted quickly. She would never ask him to break up with Emma for her own selfish reasons.

Ethan sighed, giving her a look. “You know you’re more important than anyone else, you wouldn’t have fucked anything up.” He said firmly. “But I’m a dick for not noticing. I don’t know why I’m pinning this all on you.” He said, frowning.

“Ethan, no.” Grayson said, not wanting him to think this was all on him when she knew she was definitely the problem. He didn’t even know the half of it. “You know I just get in my head about shit. I’ve always been clingy since we were kids, and I know one day you’ll get married and go off and do your own thing and-“

“Dude, please shut the fuck up.” 

Grayson did as she was told without hesitation, giving her brother a sheepish look.

“I’m going to start making more time for you.” Ethan said after a few moments of the two just staring at each other, Grayson looking a bit anxious while he looked determined.

“E-“

“ _Grayson_ ,” Ethan cut her off once again with a stern look. “I’m making more time for you. Stop getting so worked up, dude. It’s not a crime to want to spend more time together.” He huffed, scratching the back of his head and looking away from his sister. “...I’ve been missing you anyways. You’re not the only one who can be clingy.” He added the last bit teasingly and Grayson felt her heart swell.

“Shut up,” She laughed, reaching out to punch his arm. “Fine, let’s spend more time together then. We’ve got a whole week before Emma gets back, so I’ll take advantage.” 

The two shared a smile, Grayson groaning when Ethan forced her into another hug, ignoring the butterflies fluttering around in her stomach. “Stop being so gross.” She whined when he smacked a wet kiss on her cheek. 

“Let me sleep in your room tonight, or you can sleep in mine.” Ethan said as he continued to hang onto his sister, ignoring her futile attempts at pushing him off.

“Dude-“

“Come on,” Ethan whined, finally pulling off of Grayson and pouting down at her. “we can drink some beer and watch old movies.” He said, Grayson giving him a look. He knew she couldn’t pass up on old movies.

“Fine,” she murmured, rolling her eyes when he let out a triumphant cheer. “But we’re sleeping in your room _and_ the first movie we’re watching is the Breakfast Club.”

Ethan shrugged. “Fine with me, let’s go get some snacks.” He said, grabbing Grayson’s hand and tugging her out of her room and downstairs.

She knew there was no reason for her to get secretly excited, knowing to Ethan, this was nothing more than just a sibling hangout, but she couldn’t help it. 

The butterflies had made a permanent home in the pit of her stomach and she couldn’t do a thing about the irritating flush on her cheeks. She couldn’t help the way she felt.

An hour later the two of them were seated on Ethan’s bed, various snacks surrounding them and a twelve pack of beer on the ground beside them.

They were already a couple drinks in and Grayson had a nice buzz going. She could hardly pay attention to the movie when Ethan was rambling, but she didn’t mind. He talked a lot when he got drunk and while she pretended to be annoyed, the younger twin actually found it adorable.

“...so that’s why I’m saying for our next video, you should let me do your makeup!” Grayson blinked, admiration towards her twin coming to a halt when she zoned back into their conversation.

“Oh- Yeah, sure.” She nodded, not really knowing what they were talking about, but just enjoying the sound of Ethan’s voice. She wondered if it was the alcohol or if she was just naturally disgustingly lovesick, but she couldn’t stop staring at him. 

He was so handsome and it was so unfair because Emma wasn’t even that pretty and her brother could do so much better, but she knew he was more concerned about personality and maybe that was why he chose her? Or maybe the fans got to him and he decided to give them a shot? She wondered if maybe creating a fake fan page shaming the couple would help with her jealousy. Maybe it would convince them to break up? And then Ethan would finally be hers-

“Hello, earth to Grayson!” 

Grayson jumped when she saw a large palm being waved in her face, looking up at Ethan in surprise. “Huh- what?” 

Ethan snorted at his sister. “Dude, are you drunk already? You keep zoning out.”

Grayson wasn’t sure if the heat on her face was from the alcohol or her embarrassment. “It’s because you’re boring to listen to.” She shot back, smirking.

“Fuck off.” Ethan laughed, finishing off his beer and letting out a loud belch.

“Gross.” Grayson laughed, taking another drink of her own beer. 

“So, when do you think you’ll finally date someone?”

Grayson choked on her drink at the random question, coughing and wincing at the feeling of the beer going up her nose.

“Dude!” Ethan laughed, reaching over to grab some tissue off of the nightstand to hand to her.

“Fuck you,” She grunted as she wiped at her mouth and nose. “where did that even come from?” She huffed, taking another drink of her beer when she finally settled down. 

Ethan shrugged, cracking open another drink for himself. “You’ve been single for over a year now. I was just wondering if you had anybody in mind to date.” 

Hearing Ethan talk about her seeing someone else left a bitter taste in Grayson’s mouth. How was she supposed to date anyone when her eyes were always on him? 

“I mean, I’m not going to find someone to date just because it’s been a while.” She said, unable to help but be a bit defensive. “I don’t know… I like someone though, I guess.” There was no point in lying and risk having him blow up on her again.

“Yeah? Who is it?” Ethan asked, staring at Grayson in surprise. He knew how picky she could be. 

“Not telling.” Grayson said without missing a bit. She took another swig of her drink, burping a moment later. “He has a girlfriend anyways so it’s not like anything will come of it.” 

“What? Gray, who is it?” Ethan asked, incredibly curious at this point. “He’s a fucking tool if he doesn’t leave her for you!”

Grayson laughed, unable to help it. If only he knew. “Shut up. I’m not a homewrecker, E.” She said, nudging his leg with her foot. 

Ethan frowned a bit. “Can’t you at least tell me who he is? Maybe I can sabotage their relationship.” He said, completely serious. 

“Ethan!” Grayson exclaimed, beginning to crack up again. “Dude, no.”

“I just want you to be happy.” He huffed.

“I _am_ happy.” Grayson insisted with a giggle, smile softening a bit as she ran her finger around the rim of the can in her hand. “Especially if he’s happy. I want him to be happy and he’s happy with her and that’s fine.” 

She looked over at her twin, seeing he had a serious expression on her face. She groaned, setting her beer on the nightstand beside the bed. “This is why I didn’t want to tell you.” She sighed, plopping back on the bed. “Don’t pity me, E. I’ll find someone eventually.” 

“I’m not pitying you.” Ethan argued, going to set his drink down so he could lay beside her, cheek in the palm of his hand as he situated himself on his side. “I’m just annoyed you won’t tell me who this guy is. I’d love to punch him for hurting you.” 

“He didn’t hurt me.” Grayson laughed, staring up at her brother as she remained on her back. “I was the idiot who waited too long to say anything.” 

Ethan sighed. “You’re a total catch, Gray. I know whoever gets to be with you is going to be the luckiest bastard in the world.” He said, staring down at his sister.

“Yeah? Please, keep stroking my ego.” Grayson said teasingly, trying to lighten up the mood. This conversation was just making her feel even more pathetic.

“Well, for starters, you’re gorgeous.” Ethan mentioned casually. “I’ve never seen a girl as pretty as you, and that’s not me being biased because you’re my twin, I mean it. Please don’t tell Em or Cam I said that though. I’ll never hear the end of it.” He laughed.

Grayson stared up at her brother in shock, face feeling warm. “E, I was just kidding-“

“You’re also incredibly funny, and you can be kind of a bitch sometimes, but you always feel bad about it and try and make up for your behavior like right away. I think that’s kind of cute too, because most people think you’re just moody but I know how sweet you can be.” Ethan nodded, looking a bit thoughtful. 

Grayson wanted to cut in and actually beg him to stop before he said too much and she fell in love even more than she already was (if that was even possible), but at the same time, she wanted to just listen to what he had to say. She wanted to know how he saw her and what he thought of her and hang on to any bit of it that would give her hope that they could possibly be more than what they were. 

“You’re obviously the smarter twin,” He continued, grinning a bit. “and you’re not good at expressing your true feelings, but you’re mature enough to admit when you’re wrong, and the fact that you’re not afraid to try new things is also something I think is incredible. I suggest something crazy and even if you complain a bit, you always still go along with it and I may or may not take advantage of that sometimes, but I just love doing anything with you. You’re my other half and I know better than anyone how great you are and I’ll tell you all the fucking time if I have to. I know I can be an asshole, but I love you dude and I think you’re amazing. You’ll definitely find someone soon, someone that will just be yours and will love and appreciate- dude, are you crying?” 

“No!” Grayson sniffed, blinking back tears and narrowing her eyes up at her brother. “You’re so annoying, when did you become such a cheesy idiot?” 

Ethan laughed, flinging himself over his twin and hugging her. “Ethan, get off!” Grayson whined, not really fighting him off, but wiggling a bit under his weight.

“No, you’re so cute,” Ethan teased his sister, sitting up and tickling her sides a bit, making Grayson flinch and let out a yelp.

“Stop, you ass!” She tried to sound angry but she could only let out giggles, the younger twin incredibly ticklish.

“Stop what?” Ethan asked innocently, going to poke at her side again, barely dodging a slap to the head. 

“Fuck _off_!” Grayson squealed when he began tickling her again.

The two wrestled around a bit in the bed before Grayson ended up fully under her twin, gasping for breath with tears in her eyes.

“Okay! Uncle, mercy!,” she giggled breathlessly, Ethan laughing as he stared down at his sister. 

“It’s nice to see you smiling again.” 

Grayson looked up at her brother, smile growing on her face. He could be so annoying sometimes, but she knew how much he cared about her, even if he showed it in a stupid way.

“You’re so-“ The younger of the two wasn’t able to finish her sentence before she felt lips pressing against hers.

Grayson was sure she stopped breathing. She remained motionless under Ethan as he continued to kiss her and it wasn’t until he pulled back that her brain alerted her that this was very fucking real. Ethan had just _kissed_ her. He _willingly fucking kissed her_.

She opened and closed her mouth a few times, trying to think of what to say, but Ethan beat her to it. 

“Fuck, I’m sorry, fuck Grayson, dude, I shouldn’t have done that.”

Grayson watched with wide eyes as Ethan quickly got off of her, sitting up and reaching for him.

“Ethan, E, relax, I-“

“You just looked so fucking pretty and I- I’m drunk, I’m sorry dude. Fuck, I-“

Grayson figured there was no better time than the present, and she didn’t know if she’d ever have this opportunity again. Wordlessly, she moved closer to her twin and placed her hands on either side of his face, pulling him in for a deep kiss, quieting his rambling. 

This time she took the lead, lips pressing tentatively against her twin’s over and over again before he finally responded. She pulled back after a moment, wanting to make sure this was okay. Her heart was hammering in her chest, and she noticed her hands were shaking as she brought them down to her lap, but she still smiled at her brother when he looked at her, wide eyed and confused. 

“Is this alright?” She asked hesitantly, chewing on her bottom lip as she looked to the older twin for confirmation. She was scared he’d start freaking out again and reject her, but if he did, it would make sense. It would hurt like hell, and she was sure she’d never recover, but this was so wrong and she didn’t want to taint Ethan if he didn’t want to be tainted.

His lips were on hers again before she had a chance to second guess her bold actions, Grayson gasping as Ethan got her on her back once more.

The kiss was a bit sloppy, the two of them pretty buzzed and not the most coordinated because of that, but Grayson didn’t care that it wasn’t perfect or romantic, just greedy for anything she could get from her twin. 

Her arms were around his neck, hands grabbing at his hair as his tongue went into her mouth, the two groaning at the new level of intimacy. Ethan was pressed against her, focused more on kissing Grayson than making sure he wasn’t crushing her. 

“Fuck,” Grayson eventually had to break away from the kiss to catch her breath, whimpering a bit when Ethan began to kiss along her neck. This was really happening. She was way too focused on the present to even think about how this could all blow up in their faces later when they were sober and coherent.

It was selfish of her, but she wanted to savor this while she could. 

She was brought out of her thoughts when Ethan pressed his face into the crook of her neck, his arms going under her as he held her close.

“E?” She questioned hesitantly, fingers gently combing through his hair and running along the back of his neck. She felt guilt and panic strike her when she got no response back. 

She’d been so wrapped up in her own thoughts, her own emotions, and now he probably was grossed out and was going to tell her this was a mistake. “I’m sorry,” she blurted before she could stop herself, thoughts running a mile a minute. “I took it too far, I-“

“Gray,” At the sound of her name, Grayson shut up. She held her breath, waiting for Ethan to continue. “I love you.” 

It wasn’t as if this was the first time Ethan had ever told her he loved her. They said it all the time, but this was the first time she’d ever heard him say it in this tone of voice. Maybe she was overthinking it, unable to help but be hopeful that he genuinely reciprocated her feelings and wasn’t just kissing her because of the alcohol, but she was sure Ethan was expressing that he didn’t just love her, but he was _in love_ with her.

“I..” she swallowed thickly, trying to fight back tears. “I love you too, E.” 

Ethan sat up then, smiling down at her and for the umpteenth time, Grayson was rendered breathless. 

“Let’s get some sleep, okay?” 

She could only nod at Ethan’s suggestion, happily returning the quick kiss he gave her before he was rolling off of her and moving to the other side of the bed. 

Grayson cuddled close to her twin once he turned off the movie, heart fluttering when Ethan pulled her against him. She couldn’t help it when she reached up and pinched the arm he had around her waist, Ethan jolting against her and cursing.

“What the fuck, Gray?” He grunted, pinching her side and making her yelp.

“I just wanted to make sure this wasn’t a dream!” The younger twin exclaimed defensively, unable to see Ethan in the dark room but she was sure he was glaring in her general direction. 

“You’re supposed to pinch yourself, you ass.” Ethan huffed, firmly tugging her back into his chest, making Grayson’s cheeks flush.

“Oh is that how I do it?” 

“....goodnight, Grayson.”

“Goodnight, E.”

___

When Grayson woke up, her head was aching and her mouth felt dry. She grunted as she blinked her eyes open, taking a minute to process her surroundings, before she slowly sat up.

“Ethan?” She mumbled, realizing she was in his room and he was nowhere to be found. She yawned, tiredly rubbing her eyes.

It took a total of three seconds before the events from the night before rose to the surface of her mind and she froze, sitting up straighter. 

Did that really fucking happen?

She quickly lifted her shirt, turning her body so she could check her side and sure enough, she was sporting a bruise from when Ethan had pinched her the night before.

“We kissed,” she breathed quietly, hands raising up to her cheeks that were quickly heating up. “Oh my fucking fuck, Grayson Bailey Dolan, what did you _do_?”

Her thoughts were all over the place; she was freaking out and her headache didn’t help. She didn’t know how she’d face her brother. How would he act? 

He was the one who kissed her first but what if it really was just because he was drunk and it held no meaning? Would he pretend like nothing happened? Or reject her? Or would he actually go along with her wildest dreams and just fucking be with her already?

Water. She needed water, ibuprofen and to take a damn shower before she faced him. 

She was quick and as quiet as possible as she left his room, almost feeling like she was doing the walk of shame as she hurried to hers. 

The next half hour was spent with her going through every scenario in her head of how the day would go and she felt a mixture of excitement and fear at the thought of how their relationship had changed overnight.

There was a part of her that was incredibly hopeful that Ethan’s actions were due to his feelings for her, but the pessimistic realist in her told her that he was drunk and obviously not in his right mind and she was the worst person for going along with it all, even if she was in a similar state.

“Keep your cool, don’t freak out.” She told herself in her mirror when she was getting ready. “This is Ethan, _your_ Ethan, and at the end of the day, it’ll all work out. He loves you and you love him.”

 _I love you_.

Hearing Ethan’s words from last night made her whole face go pink and Grayson was sure she’d die from happiness when she felt a fierce pang in her chest. He _loved_ her.

She had to take a second to calm herself down, trying not to squeal and embarrass herself, before she finally left her room and made her way downstairs. She could hear the television, a sign that Ethan was home, and when she made her way to the living room she found him sitting back and watching some old cartoons. 

_Casual_ , she reminded herself as she plopped down beside him on the couch. 

“Morning,” She murmured, stealing a piece of fruit in the bowl he had in his hand. “hungover?” She asked, smiling over at her twin.

When her eyes locked with Ethan’s, she felt that familiar flutter of nerves and adoration ripple throughout her body, her smile growing without her permission.

He stared at her a moment and Grayson was startled when he reached out and cupped the back of her head, pulling her in to kiss him. She was obedient and eager as she responded, fists clenched in her lap as she tried not to get too carried away with her emotions.

So he remembered. She was so relieved. 

When they pulled apart, Grayson was faintly aware of the red hue on her cheeks, but she was just so focused on her twin she couldn’t bring herself to care.

“Morning,” Ethan murmured, kissing her again, before finally releasing her. “I had a bit of a headache this morning, but nothing too rough. You?” 

Grayson nodded like an idiot for a moment before she recognized that he had asked her a question, quickly sputtering out a response. “Y-Yeah me too, just a headache.” She said, embarrassed at her lack of composure.

Ethan only smiled, pulling her close into his side. “We should just spend the day inside today. It’s raining anyways.” 

Grayson suddenly remembered there was a world outside of her brother and she took note of the rain she heard hitting the windows. “Okay,” she agreed, barely refraining from jumping when Ethan began running his fingers up and down her arm.

She didn’t know what to really say. This was going almost too smoothly and she couldn’t bring herself to relax into the atmosphere because of that.

“Shouldn’t we talk?” She asked softly after a few minutes of them watching tv.

She glanced up at Ethan who looked down at her, eyebrow raised. “You wanna talk about it?” He asked. 

Grayson nodded her head slowly, pulling back so she could turn and face him properly, sitting cross legged on the couch. “I mean… it’s a big change between us, don’t you think?” She asked hesitantly, unable to help how shy she was about the subject. 

“I’ve known how I’ve felt about you since we were sixteen.” Ethan’s statement made her eyes widen, Grayson blinking at her brother in surprise. “You really couldn’t tell?” He laughed when he saw her expression.

“No,” Grayson replied almost immediately. “I mean, I thought- like, we’re close. We’ve always been so close. So I never thought…” she trailed off. 

“If it makes you feel better,” Ethan began as he leaned forward to put his fruit bowl down on the coffee table before he turned to face Grayson. “I never thought you’d feel the same way.”

Grayson felt her eyes beginning to burn as she stared at her brother. “I just… I just kind of came to terms with it not too long ago.” She admitted softly, sniffling. She didn’t want to add that it was his relationship that opened her eyes. 

Ethan’s expression softened as he reached for his sister, pulling her into his lap and kissing her. “You’re such a cry baby.” He said teasingly, reaching up to wipe a few tears that slipped.

“Shut up,” she said, laughing a bit when he lifted his hands in surrender.

“I hate seeing you upset.” He said, cupping her chin and thumbing over her bottom lip. 

“I’m actually really happy,” Grayson insisted softly, the flush on her face permanent as she watched her brother’s eyes remain on her mouth. “Just surprised I guess.” 

Ethan grinned again and Grayson smiled back, this time taking initiative and leaning down to kiss him. This one transitioned from sweet and slow to hot and deep quickly, Grayson feeling a sense of déjà vu as she was once again under her twin. 

“Can I touch you?” The question caught Grayson off guard and she stared up at her twin blankly for a moment as she processed what he said.

There was probably so much more that they should have talked about. Ethan had a girlfriend, they had family and friends that could never know about this and not to mention their viewers. Sure they had people who were already hoping they were more than siblings, but it wasn’t as if they could air out the new development in their relationship just because of a few supporters.

“Gray?” She blinked, coming out of her thoughts and seeing her brother’s concerned expression when she looked up at him. “Shit, sorry. It’s too soon, isn’t it? Forget I said anything.” 

The conversation could wait, Grayson thought as she wrapped her arms around Ethan’s neck, bringing him down so she could kiss him again.

“I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thought about you touching me,” she murmured against his mouth when they pulled apart. She giggled when Ethan groaned, surprising her by suddenly standing and yanking her up and over his shoulder. “Ethan!”

“My bedroom or yours?” Ethan grunted as he made his way to the stairs. 

“What are you, a caveman?” Grayson laughed, yelping when he smacked her butt. “Dude, that hurt!”

“Gray,” Ethan’s voice took on a tone that traveled in between Grayson’s legs and made her shiver.

“Yours,” She said just as he got to the top floor, Ethan stomping over in the direction of his room.

Grayson gasped when she was suddenly tossed down onto his bed, sitting up and watching as Ethan stripped out of his shirt. 

“Wait-“ she called, Ethan pausing in the middle of unbuttoning his pants.

“What?” He frowned, worried she changed her mind.

“I wanna do it.” Grayson admitted shyly, crawling over to the edge of the bed, sitting up on her knees and leaning up to kiss her twin.

Ethan kissed her back, deepening it right away, getting worked up as he listened to his sister. “Whatever you want, babe.” He murmured, nipping playfully at her bottom lip before pulling back. 

Grayson smiled shyly, going to kiss along his neck while she undid the button on his jeans, pushing them down his hips. Ethan kicked them off when they pooled at his feet, breathing a bit shallow as he tried to control himself while he watched Grayson practically worship his skin.

“Fuck,” he grunted when her hand slid down his stomach and into his briefs. “Gray.” 

Grayson hadn’t seen Ethan naked since they were kids, and even though she should have focused more on taking him in with her eyes, her hands had a mind of their own as she began to stroke him slowly with one while the other tugged at the tight fabric around his hips. 

She refused to comment on how big he was, knowing she’d never hear the end of it after all was said and done, but she was excited and nervous to try and take him. It wasn’t as if he was her first, but he would definitely be the biggest she’d ever had, another thing she’d never tell him, probably.

“Grayson, on the bed.” She came out of her thoughts when she heard Ethan’s voice. She looked up at him in surprise at his tone, seeing that his eyes were dark and glaring down at her, his jaw clenched. 

“But I’m not done-“ Grayson tried to protest, only to be firmly cut off by her twin.

“ _Now_.” 

Huffing, she removed her hand and moved to crawl up the bed while Ethan finished stripping and went to hurriedly grab a condom. 

“No,” she said stubbornly when she saw the packet in his hand. “No condom. I’m on the pill.” 

Ethan raised an eyebrow, smirking and tossing it aside. “Fine with me.” He said, crawling on the bed. They got tested together pretty regularly so they were aware the other was clean.

“My turn.” He said as he tugged Grayson down the bed by her thighs, the younger twin gasping as she was on her back again. 

Ethan was kissing her before she could say anything, wasting no time as his hands moved to push her shirt up her torso, the two breaking apart so he could remove it completely. “Cute,” he chuckled when he saw the plain, yellow bra she was wearing.

“Shut up,” Grayson laughed. “I would’ve worn something nicer if I knew this was going to happen today.” 

Grayson grinned, kissing her again before he began to trail them down her neck and to her breasts. “You look sexy in anything,” he murmured, sucking a mark onto one of the fleshy mounds, Grayson whimpering and squirming as heat spread throughout her belly.

“Hurry,” she whined, not able to fawn over his compliment when she was so turned on (but she’d definitely boast about it later).

“Relax,” Ethan murmured as he reached under her to unclasp her bra, easily removing it and, unlike his sister, taking the time to appreciate what was being displayed to him.

Grayson flushed under his stare, feeling hot all over. “Stop,” she whined, hands reaching up to cover her face.

“Gray, don’t.” Ethan commanded firmly, control slipping bit by bit as he took in her shy behavior. He didn’t understand how someone could be so sexy and yet so adorable at the same time. He wanted to ruin her.

Grayson just peeked up at her twin through her spread fingers, Ethan rolling his eyes and leaning down to continue kissing down her body, leaving marks along the way.

The younger of the two couldn’t stop squirming and whimpering, feeling so relieved when her brother finally tugged her leggings and panties down her thighs.

“Fuck,” Ethan grunted when he took her in. “You’re so beautiful, babe.” He mumbled, spreading her thighs so he could take in the most intimate parts of her. “Already wet, hm?” He chuckled when he saw her glistening sex.

Grayson didn’t know what she expected from her twin in the bedroom, but dirty talk was not it. She wasn’t the type to talk much during sex, so his words made her incredibly embarrassed and shy and all she could do was whine a bit in response.

“Ethan,” she pleaded.

“Let’s take off the edge a bit,” Ethan murmured, in a world of his own as he leaned down in between her spread legs, kissing her stomach, before he made his way down.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Grayson gasped when she felt his tongue in between her thighs. Her hands immediately went to grip at his hair, back arching slightly. “Ethan, wait,” She panted, only to mewl when he eased two fingers into her. “Oh, fuck.” 

Ethan was watching Grayson as he ate her out, loving how flustered and frantic she was and how she grabbed at his hair. He kept going for a few minutes, keeping it nice and easy, before he felt she was relaxed enough for him to go a bit harder.

A breathless cry left Grayson when a third finger was added and all three were pushed in firmly. “Fuck,” she let out a dry sob, quivering as her body tightened up around him. “ _please_.”

It was at the sound of her begging that Ethan lost all composure, pulling his fingers out and sitting up. His mouth was wet with her arousal and Grayson felt as if she could come at the very site of him. 

“Are you ready for me?” Ethan asked, voice a bit hoarse as he stroked his hard cock, staring down at his wrecked twin.

Grayson could only nod, still gasping for breath as she lay there, cheeks flushed and eyes heavy lidded.

Ethan’s expression softened a bit and he leaned down to kiss her, allowing her to taste herself while he lined up with her entrance before slowly pushing in.

The two of them groaned into each other’s mouth, Grayson tensing up and surprising the both of them as she came without warning once he was pushed all the way in.

“Fuck, did you just-“ Ethan looked down at his sister with wide eyes, seeing glossy hazel eyes staring back up at him unseeingly. 

“More,” Grayson breathed shakily, arms going around his neck as she pulled him down to kiss her.

Ethan’s hands immediately went to her thighs, hooking her legs over his arms before he began to lay into her, not able to hold himself back.

Grayson squeaked at the sudden change in pace, Ethan quieting her with his tongue while he continued to rut up against her. “Tight,” he grunted into her mouth, Grayson only able to let out noises in response.

She could practically feel him in her stomach, and although it was a little uncomfortable, it ultimately felt amazing. She wanted all he had to give her and she could feel her body respond eagerly. 

The second orgasm that washed over Grayson left her lightheaded and a little dizzy, her body arching up against her twin’s. “Ethan,” she breathed, blissed out.

Ethan had never felt so close to someone and it made sense that only Grayson could make him feel complete during sex. She was his other half, his soulmate, and he couldn’t get enough of her. 

After pulling out, he helped Grayson onto her stomach, lifting her hips up while she pressed her cheek into the pillow under her. “You’re doing so good, baby.” Ethan breathed as he eased into her fluttering hole again, Grayson whimpering and gripping at the sheets beneath her. “Fuck, such a good girl. I love you so much.” 

“Love you,” Grayson whimpered, pressing back into him, bleary eyed gaze on his headboard as she was fucked from behind. “I love you.”

Ethan was slamming into her, watching in awe as her cheeks bounced off of his hips over and over again and she stretched obscenely around him. His cock was soaked in her come, and he wanted to make her fall apart again; wanted to see how much she could take before she lost herself to the feeling. He was sure seeing her turned on and overwhelmed was going to be his new favorite thing. 

Without warning, he reached under her, fingers easily finding her swollen clit and rubbing at it in firm, slow circles. 

Grayson’s hand shot out to brace herself against the headboard, a soft sob leaving her mouth as she felt that familiar tug in the pit of her stomach as she grew closer to another orgasm. “C-Can’t- I can’t-“ she gasped out, but she continued to move her hips, subconsciously seeking the pleasure out despite her protests.

Ethan growled, reaching down to grip a fistful of Grayson’s long, dark hair before he tugged until her head was tipped back. “You can take it,” He huffed, leaning over her and blanketing her body with his own, pressing her back down so her cheek was squished against his pillow.

“ _Ethan_ ,” She sobbed, feeling him go so _deep_ , easily hitting her spot and causing her to fall apart, Grayson squirting once she came for the third time. 

Ethan felt the wetness coat his fingers and groaned, having to actually pull out as her sex clenched and unclenched around him over and over again. 

Grayson remained bent over even with her brother no longer hovering over her, crying softly into the sheets as she felt her body experience pleasure she’d never been exposed to. 

“Good girl, such a good girl.” She came to when she heard Ethan’s calming voice, his hand rubbing up and down her back as he slowly brought her down. “C’mere.”

Grayson whimpered when she was being tugged up, blinking slowly as she felt Ethan put them into their next position. A whine left her mouth when he slowly eased her down on his cock, Grayson now in his lap. 

“Wait, wait,” she pleaded shakily, teary eyes staring at her brother helplessly. “c-can we just- like-“ she couldn’t speak, still recovering after her last orgasm.

“I’ve got you,” Ethan murmured, kissing her slowly, holding her close. “Don’t worry, I’ll give you a minute. You’re doing so good.” He kept speaking gentle words of encouragement to her, fingers running through her hair slowly. “I love you.” 

Grayson kissed Ethan back, enjoying the small break and feeling so loved and happy as she listened to him praise her and shower her with affectionate words. “Love you.” She said in between their slow kisses. 

“Do you want to stop now?” Ethan asked her softly, stroking her hair out of her face and taking in her pretty features, looking for some sign that she didn’t want to keep going. “I can finish myself off, babe. I don’t want to push you too far our first time together.” He said honestly.

“No, I want it.” She said quickly, arms around his neck tightening a bit. “I can take it.” She added shyly, repeating his words from earlier.

Ethan grinned proudly. “That’s my girl, I love you.” He said, kissing her again, Grayson smiling against his mouth.

“I love you too.”

___

“.....yeah, for sure.”

Grayson blinked her eyes open at the sound of Ethan’s voice, lifting her head slightly and frowning when she noticed he wasn’t in the bed with her. 

The two had fallen asleep shortly after sex, both too exhausted to do much else, and Grayson couldn’t tell with the grey skies outside Ethan’s window, but she was sure it was probably some time well into the afternoon now.

“E?” She called, wincing at how hoarse her voice sounded, most likely due to how much screaming she’d done just a few hours ago.

“Alright, I’ll talk to you later. Yeah,.... you too, bye babe.” 

She frowned a bit as she listened to his low voice speaking quietly, seeing him come out of the bathroom just a few moments later. 

“Hey baby, sorry did I wake you up?” Ethan smiled when he saw Grayson’s small figure surrounded by his blankets and pillows, looking cozy and sleepy. “Emma called and you know how she gets when I don’t pick up.” He said with a light eye roll, smile faltering when he saw the expression on Grayson’s face. “What?” 

Grayson knew they hadn’t talked about Emma yet, but hearing Ethan bring her up so casually, after they’d had sex at that, was off putting.

“Oh, um…” she could only imagine what kind of face she’d made. “I was just thinking… what are you gonna do about Emma?” She asked hesitantly, adjusting the blankets a bit so she was covered up to her chin, wanting to block out any cold air. 

Ethan frowned. “What do you mean?”

Grayson wasn’t sure she’d heard her twin correctly at first but when she saw the confused look on his face, she knew she had. “Well, aren’t you going to break up with her now that we’re…” she trailed off, confused herself. She could feel her earlier anxieties creeping back in. 

Ethan’s expression softened. “Gray…” he started and just by the tone, Grayson knew she wasn’t going to like what she was going to hear. “It’s not this simple.” 

“Sorry,” she blurted before she could stop herself, sitting up with the blankets covering her and wincing at the ache she felt due to their earlier activities. “that was a stupid question. Of course, she’s your girlfriend.” She nodded, getting off the bed and going to start looking for her clothes. “I just- I got ahead of myself. I’m sorry.”

She could feel the tightness in her chest slowly crawl it’s way up to her throat.

“Gray, it’s not like that.” Ethan sighed, going over to his sister, trying to stop her from getting dressed. He could tell she was sore by the way she was moving so stiffly and he wanted her back in bed so he could take care of her. “Babe, wait.” He went to grab her arm when she scooped up her shirt. 

“Ethan, don’t.” She said seriously, snatching her arm back and not bothering to look up at him as she slid her shirt on, before sliding her leggings up her sore thighs.

“Gray, I can’t just dump her like that.” Ethan tried to explain quickly. “That would be such a dick move and think of the media and our viewers.”

Grayson stared at her twin in disbelief. Why was it that he thought of all of that before he thought of her and her feelings? She wasn’t exactly the most considerate person herself, sleeping with someone who was taken, but she still couldn’t help but feel not only upset, but also like an idiot. She thought for sure he’d chosen her. 

“It’s fine,” she said even though they both knew it wasn’t. “I get it, forget I said anything. It was stupid of me to think that… yeah, just forget it dude, it’s fine.” She moved to make her way past him, only to have Ethan tug her into his chest. “Ethan-“

“You know you matter most.” Ethan said firmly, holding her close. He could feel her shaking against him and he felt awful, but this was the best he could do. “You’re everything to me, Gray and you know you come first. It’s just for show, that’s all.” He insisted.

Grayson didn’t realize she was crying until she heard Ethan gently shushing her. This wasn’t how she wanted things to be. She knew it was all too good to be true and she felt like such an idiot, getting her hopes up and thinking that things would go her way.

What upset her the most was that even with him basically telling her he’d be hers in the shadows and another’s in the limelight, she still wanted him. She needed him more than anything else in this world and even if he only gave her leftovers, she’d take it because it was Ethan, _her Ethan_ , and he was the only thing that made sense.

___

“Ethan, stop!”

Grayson could hear Emma’s laughter from upstairs in her room, hearing Ethan’s low voice a moment later but not able to make out what was being said. 

It had been a week since things changed between the twins and they’d reached an understanding that Ethan would break up with Emma when “the time was right”, whatever that meant. 

Grayson knew that Ethan was being unfair to both her and Emma, but she also knew she wasn’t exactly innocent herself. In a way, she felt like she deserved this, being put on the back burner. Emma did nothing to deserve being cheated on, and Grayson knew that hers and her brother’s behavior was inexcusable, so she comforted herself with the thought that she was getting exactly what she deserved and that the universe was being fair to her this way. 

She got her brother to herself behind closed doors and it was better than not having him at all, right?

She sighed as she slipped on her shoes and checked her appearance in her mirror one last time before leaving her room.

“Oh Gray, hey! I was just asking Ethan about where you were at.” Grayson’s smile fell into place easily when Emma spoke to her.

“Hey, Em. I was just getting ready to head to James’. Gonna have a spa day.” She said, not even glancing at her brother who had his arm around his girlfriend. “Was New York fun?” She asked as she went to grab her car keys.

“It was amazing. I did a lot of shopping and I brought a few things back for you and E.” Emma gushed.

“Oh that’s so sweet of you, thank you.” Grayson said, slowly inching towards the door. “Would you mind if I checked them out later? I’m running a little late.” 

“Oh of course,” Emma nodded quickly. “I’m spending the night so I’ll be here when you get back. Tell James I said hey.”

Grayson wasn’t sure, but she thought she twitched a bit at the new information. “Great, I’ll let him know. See you guys later.” 

She turned to leave, thankful to finally get away from the couple, only to pause when Ethan called out to her.

“Love you, Gray.”

Grayson paused for just a moment before opening the door and stepping outside. 

“Love you too.”


	2. but all that I know is that I need you close

I’m obsessive and I love too hard  
Good at overthinking with my heart  
How you even think it got this far?

Grayson had a hard time wrapping her mind around how quickly life changed. One minute you’re riding on the best natural high of your life and things are going wonderfully, and the next, you’re wrapped in despair while everything around you falls apart.

She found herself in between euphoria and agony these days and the source of her chaotic mental space revolved around her one and only solitude: Ethan.

Three months had gone by since they’d completely altered their relationship and Gayson found herself anxious for almost every day, not knowing how the next twenty four hours would unfold.

Some days she felt as if Ethan belonged solely to her. He had this way of giving her this false sense of loyalty and devotion when it was just the two of them at home and Grayson would allow herself to fall into it, wanting to believe for a moment that it was them against the world. 

Other days she felt sick to her stomach, having to put on a facade in front of everyone when they were in public; when Ethan was with Emma and Grayson was placed on the back burner.

Sometimes they’d argue, and Grayson would insist she didn’t want to do this anymore, that it was painful and she wanted them to just go back to how they were, even if she knew deep down they’d never be the same, sometimes her love for him couldn’t outweigh the seemingly endless sadness she felt most days.

But Ethan never failed to coax her into continuing what they had with sweet words and empty promises and she fell for it every time. She knew he wouldn’t be leaving Emma anytime soon; she knew he’d never commit to her, to _them_ , and she’d probably always just be someone he could be with when he felt like it, but she was an idiot when it came to her brother.

She was so in love with him and it wasn’t fair, but Grayson knew she wasn’t in the position to ask for fairness to begin with. How could she be upset when she was getting what she wanted? 

She had no right to ask for more, and yet she couldn’t help but to be greedy for it anyways.

___

“Are you and Ethan doing alright? You two aren’t fighting are you?”

Grayson glanced over at Bryant from across the room, pausing mid squat and standing upright. “What do you mean?” She asked with a frown, going to take a break from working out and making her way to where her water bottle and towel were sitting. 

Bryant was on the mat, laying back after having just finished with his sit ups. “You two just seem a little tense lately,” he explained, sitting up and watching Grayson. “You hardly said a word to each other when we all went out for dinner last night.” 

Grayson winced at the memory, recalling how awful it had been, trying to ignore how flirty Ethan and Emma were being the whole night. She’d talked mostly with Bryant and James, but it was still difficult, pretending like the person she absolutely adored wasn’t giving all of his time and attention to another girl.

“Oh, I was just annoyed with him because he was the reason we were late meeting you guys,” She lied, making her way to the weights after she had her fill of water. Of course, she’d actually been the reason, the two having argued about going out before meeting up with their friends. Grayson hadn’t been looking forward to seeing Emma. “We’re good now.” 

Bryant nodded, seeming to believe her. “You guys are always bickering.” He laughed, standing and going to the weights as well. “It’s probably because you spend so much time together.” 

“Probably,” Grayson smiled over at him, starting on her first set. 

The two continued to workout for a while longer, Bryant eventually heading home after washing up and having lunch with Grayson. After cleaning up, Grayson was settled downstairs, watching tv when she heard the front door open. She held her breath, knowing if Emma was with Ethan she’d make her presence known right away, only to let out a sigh of relief when she heard Ethan’s voice call out to her. 

“In the living room.” She looked up when he walked in, smiling when he plopped down on the couch and went to lay on top of her. “Miss me?” She asked teasingly when he pressed his face into the crook of her neck, her fingers immediately going to start running through his hair. 

“So much,” Ethan sighed, nuzzling her collarbone, making Grayson laugh.

“Shouldn’t leave me then,” She murmured against the crown of his head, a small smile on her face. 

Ethan didn’t say anything for a few moments and Grayson realized she probably sounded incredibly needy, immediately opening her mouth to backtrack only to have Ethan speak up before she could.

“You’re right,” 

Grayson blinked, a little stunned. She felt Ethan’s arms go under her, before he was hugging her tightly. “I shouldn’t leave you.” 

Grayson let out an awkward laugh, not knowing how to respond. She didn’t want to go down that road and start that conversation, knowing how it would just end in her being disappointed and bitter, but she almost wanted to ask _why_ he left her when he felt that way. Of course, she refrained and opted to change the topic instead.

“You missed Bryant earlier,” She informed Ethan, still playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. “He worked out with me for a bit and stuck around for lunch.” 

“Oh, yeah?” Ethan looked up at her and Grayson felt her heart flutter at their close proximity. He was absolutely breathtaking. “You didn’t tell me he was coming over.” 

Grayson faltered a moment, confused at Ethan’s statement. “Oh, I didn’t think you’d care. He texted me and asked last minute.” She explained slowly, trying to read his expression. “Did you not want him using the gym anymore?”

Ethan seemed to come out of whatever weird state of mind he was in, smiling at Grayson and leaning in to kiss her. “No, I don’t care.” He said, getting off of her, Grayson sitting up as she watched him stand and make his way towards the kitchen. “He just normally texts our group chat so I was surprised he text you personally.” 

Grayson didn’t know what to make of Ethan’s odd tone, but she wondered if maybe she was overthinking things. “I think he knew you were busy and didn’t want to bother you.” She called softly, grabbing the remote to put it on another show.

Ethan and Emma weren’t exactly big on keeping their dates to themselves, always posting on social media whenever they were together so it was no secret that he was with Emma all morning getting breakfast and hanging out.

Ethan didn’t say anything and Grayson sat there, pulling her knees up to her chest as she settled on watching some show, trying not to let her thoughts get the best of her. 

When Ethan came back out, neither of them said much, Grayson noticing right away when Ethan sat a little further away from her this time. 

“I’m gonna take a nap,” she announced after a few painfully awkward minutes of silence. “You can watch whatever.” 

She was relieved when Ethan didn’t call her back as she headed up to her room, feeling like a crazy person for not being able to go one day without feeling like she’d be sick at the mention, at the _thought_ , of his girlfriend.

“What is wrong with you?” She muttered to herself, sitting down on the edge of her bed, wiping frantically at her teary eyes as her throat got tight. “You know how this works, Grayson. Stop being an idiot.”

She hated this; hated feeling so weak and anxious all the time. 

“Gray,” 

Her eyes snapped over to her bedroom door, Grayson letting out a breath of relief when she saw she had locked her door. 

“Yeah?” She called after a slight pause, doing her best to sound natural.

She wasn’t surprised when Ethan tried to open the door, wincing when the handle barely budged.

“Can I come in?” Ethan asked, and she could practically hear the confusion and disappointment in his voice.

She hurriedly rushed to her vanity, taking in her appearance and making sure she appeared normal, before she went to her door, unlocking it after hesitating for just a moment, peering up at Ethan when she poked her head out. 

“I told you I’m taking a nap.” She reminded him, not moving to open the door any wider or invite him in.

Ethan sighed, giving Grayson a look. “I want to take one with you.” He informed her, going to press on the door to make her step back, but Grayson stood her ground.

“I want to be _alone_ , Ethan.” She clarified, really not in the mood to deal with him right now. 

The hurt expression on her brother’s face tugged at Grayson’s heartstrings, but she didn’t budge. She couldn’t be around him right now.

“Alright, fine.” He sighed, running a hand through his hair, obviously frustrated with her. “I’ll order something for dinner later and wake you up when it gets here.”

He didn’t give her a chance to refuse before he was turning on his heel and heading back downstairs, Grayson sighing as she closed her door and leaned against it. 

For the umpteenth time in the last few months, she found herself wondering why they even let things get this far.

___

The days Grayson always looked forward to were the days they were filming, always eager to get more content out to their viewers and today they would be filming another camping video so it meant she would have Ethan all to herself for the night. Needless to say, she was in a great mood.

“It’s so hot out,” Ethan groaned as they set up their tent, the camera set aside and filming them.

Grayson was focused on making sure the tent was secure, ignoring her brother’s whining. “Drink some water.” She told him a few moments later. “And stop bitching, you’re not even doing most of the work.” 

“That’s because you look so good doing it.” Ethan said teasingly, Grayson scoffing in response and ignoring the flips her stomach did at the comment. 

“Guys, Gray is basically the only way I’d ever survive the zombie apocalypse.” Ethan said as he grabbed their camera and went to film his sister as she continued with staking down the tent. “She’s pretty good at any survival shit, as I’m sure you all know.” 

Grayson rolled her eyes, looking up at the camera and then at her brother. “Who says I’d even help you during the apocalypse?” She asked, giving Ethan an unimpressed look. “You’d be dead weight.” 

Ethan immediately turned the camera back towards himself, frowning. “Did you guys hear that? My own flesh and blood would leave me to be eaten alive by zombies. What kind of bullshit is that?” 

Grayson hummed as she went to the other side of the tent to double check the set up. “I’ve gotta be practical; you’d only slow me down.” She said casually.

“Wow, Grayson. I have feelings, you dick.” 

“Feelings won’t keep me alive during the apocalypse, Ethan.” 

Normally when the two of them did a camping video, they kept the camera on all night, but this time they decided to stop filming shortly after it got dark and they ran out of entertaining things to say and do. 

They were cuddled up in the tent now, talking quietly amongst themselves as they enjoyed resting after a long day. “I feel like we need to come up with something fresh for our next video.” Grayson said softly as she lay beside her twin, Ethan pressed up against her, his face in the crook of her neck as she played with his hair. “Maybe we could do a series or something… like we could do a competition where we have to compete to get our own individual video on Tuesday. We could do dares or something and whoever doesn’t go through with their dare, automatically loses.” 

“Yeah, that sounds good.” Ethan murmured, hand gently nudging Grayson’s shirt up so he could run his fingers along her skin. 

“Are you even listening to me?” Grayson huffed, hearing the distance in her brother’s tone.

“I am listening to you, Grayson.” Ethan stated, head popping up to look up at his twin. “But I’m also busy trying to get you to stop talking about work.” 

Grayson paused, expression softening a moment later and a laugh leaving her mouth. “Sorry I want us to make a decent living, Ethan.” 

“Sorry I just feel like touching you.” Ethan said as he leaned down to kiss along her jaw, moving around in their sleeping bag so he could get on top of her.

“God, dude, that was way too cheesy.“ Grayson continued to laugh, not protesting when Ethan situated himself in between her legs. 

Ethan said nothing as he leaned down to kiss her, deepening it almost right away. Grayson’s laughter was gone now, soft sighs leaving her instead as they continued to kiss, her arms going around Ethan’s neck to keep him close.

Clothes were eventually shed and Grayson found herself trying to keep quiet as she was filled up. Ethan was relentless right away, thrusts slow, but firm enough to get a reaction out of his sister. He knew exactly how to please her; knew what made her sensitive to the point of tears, and he continuously pushed her to that point to enjoy the site of his little sister weeping while being split open by him.

“Ethan-“ Grayson slipped up when he gave a particularly hard thrust, nails digging into Ethan’s lower back as her thighs pressed against his sides. 

Ethan wished he could see her properly in the dark tent, wanting to see her face scrunched up in pleasure and see the transition when it got to be too much for her. “Wish I could film you,” he grunted quietly as he leaned down to leave small kisses along her skin. “Let our viewers see how much you beg for it.”

Grayson let out a quiet sob in response, back arching as she felt her release coming. Of course, Ethan never went easy on her so it was hardly a surprise when she found herself face down shortly after coming, her hips being lifted up before she was filled with him again. 

“Fuck, Grayson,” Ethan groaned as he hovered over her, listening to her breathless whines as he kept up a steady pace, going harder when he felt himself getting closer.

Grayson clawed helplessly at the sleeping bag, a strained whimper leaving her mouth when she felt Ethan pound into her a few more times before stiffening up. After that, the tent was filled with heavy breathing and the sound of soft rustling as Ethan went to dispose of the condom before coming back to lay beside a spent Grayson.

“You alright?” He asked her as he pulled her close, ignoring the dampness on her skin. He felt her nod against his shoulder and kissed her temple. “I love you.”

“Love you.” Grayson responded back tiredly. She loved him so much and nights like this only reminded her of why she held onto him so desperately. 

They were perfect together.

___

Without Grayson realizing it, Bryant had become a comforting person to be around. It wasn’t as if she used him for companionship or anything, but he always seemed to be around when she needed him most and eventually he became a genuine source of comfort for Grayson.

Especially when Ethan was with Emma, which was exactly the case tonight. They were supposed to do their weekly dinner and a movie date, but Ethan had to suddenly go when Emma called him, upset. Apparently she’d had a rough day and filming didn’t go as planned so of course, Ethan being the perfect boyfriend, told Grayson he’d “make it up to her” and left after promising Emma he was on his way.

Grayson didn’t even have it in her to feel upset with Ethan, the younger twin emotionless as she packed up the dinner she had just finished making in Tupperware. She was in the middle of cleaning up the kitchen when her phone went off, Grayson rushing over to it, immediately hopeful that Ethan was calling her to tell her he was on his way back, only to be let down when she saw it was Bryant calling.

She sighed, clearing her throat before she answered the phone in her usual chipper tone. “Hey B, what’s up?” 

“Dude, are you busy? I called E, but he isn’t answering. I need a drinking buddy.” 

“What?” Grayson frowned. “Ethan’s with Emma, but I’m not really in the mood to drink tonight, Bryant.” 

“Oh, come on dude. I just got stood up by this chick and I really don’t feel like being by myself tonight.” 

Grayson paused, immediately feeling bad for trying to brush Bryant off because of her bad mood. She definitely could relate to his current situation. 

“Okay, fine.” She sighed.

She couldn’t help the small smile that appeared on her face when Bryant cheered on the other line, promising to be over soon, before he hung up with her.

Grayson decided to pull the food back out of the containers, planning on making Bryant eat with her and praise her about her culinary skills. That would make her feel a little better. 

“Vodka? I thought we were drinking beer.” She whined when Bryant arrived with the half gallon of vodka, leading him into the kitchen. 

“Who said that? I’m on a low carb diet.” Bryant scoffed as he set the cheap vodka on the counter. 

Grayson groaned, but went to get them glasses anyway. “I’m not drinking that straight,” she said, going to the fridge to pull out some juice for them to mix with. 

“I am.” Bryant hummed, pouring a decent amount of alcohol in both of their glasses. “Juice has too much sugar and carbs.” 

“So strict.” Grayson laughed, pouring juice into her glass. “So, what happened?” 

Bryant groaned, taking a long swig of his drink, both him and Grayson wincing when he set the glass down. “This girl,” He rasped, clearing his throat. “some Instagram model I’ve done a couple of shoots for, was supposed to meet me for dinner but last minute she bailed on me.” 

“Maybe she had an emergency?” Grayson offered as she took a sip of her own drink. It was definitely stronger than she would’ve liked, but she didn’t protest, not wanting to hear shit from Bryant. 

“This was the third time she’s done it.” Bryant mumbled, Grayson frowning.

“Ouch, okay. Well maybe she’s just an asshole who doesn’t know how to be direct about things.” She insisted, annoyed with the girl who was toying with her friend.

“That’s just it, if she didn’t wanna meet up, she could’ve just told me she wasn’t interested. Instead, she’s always like ‘oh, can we reschedule?’” Bryant sighed, taking another drink of his alcohol. “And I wasn’t even the one to ask her to dinner, she asked me!” He exclaimed, Grayson feeling for her friend when she took note of the disappointed expression on his face. “She probably just thought I’d give her a free shoot or something if we hung out. Such bullshit, man. But whatever. I don’t need anyone as long as you’re still single, Gray!” He grinned, Grayson snorting in response.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

“It means single friends should stick together when we’ve got assholes like Emma and Ethan rubbing their relationship in our face.” He chuckled, missing how Grayson’s expression faltered.

“You’re not wrong about that.” She agreed, raising her glass and downing it this time.

“Whoa,” Bryant laughed as he watched her slam it, wiping at her mouth after she finished. “that’s the spirit! Fuck relationships, dude.” 

Grayson nodded, offering a wide smile. “Yeah, fuck ‘em.”

The two of them got absolutely wrecked fairly quickly, Grayson letting go completely as she hung out with Bryant, the two taking the food she made and eventually making their way out to the back. “Holy shit Grayson,” Bryant groaned as he ate the sautéed vegetables she’d put in one of the containers, the two of them enjoying the view. “how the hell did Ethan get so lucky, having you cook for him everyday?” 

Grayson grinned, drunk and proud as she nodded in agreement to Bryant’s statement. “I know, right? I should be on chopped.” She hiccuped.

“Listen, If-“ Bryant looked over at Grayson, dead serious. “if we’re not seeing someone by the time we’re both in our thirties, we should just get married.” 

Grayson laughed loudly at that. “Oh yeah? Should we?” 

“We should!” Bryant insisted, already moving onto the next container. “C’mon, man, it’s better than us dying alone.”

Grayson giggled, shaking her head. “I won’t die alone, I have Ethan.” She informed him with a teasing grin. 

“Dude,” Bryant groaned, rolling his eyes and shaking his head. “the twin thing is cute and all, but the two of you are eventually gonna get your own families and separate.” He reminded her, hiccuping. “Can’t be together forever.” 

At that, Grayson’s smile faltered and she grew quiet as Bryant continued to ramble on. She knew she had no right to be upset with the comment, knowing Bryant had a point. Her and Ethan had always talked as if they’d always be together, but the way things were going now, there was no way that was the case. It was becoming clear to her that Emma was filling a place Grayson never could and she’d be an idiot to believe Ethan would choose her over a chance at a normal relationship and a normal life.

“Grayson? Gray, shit dude-“ Grayson blinked, startled when she heard Bryant calling out to her, looking up at him in confusion when she saw the concerned expression on his face. 

When he reached out towards her face, she instinctively flinched, only to realize a moment later he was wiping away her tears. Fuck, she was crying. 

“What the fuck,” She let out an incredulous laugh, quickly wiping at her tears as embarrassment flooded her. “Dude, no, it’s fine, I-“ 

“Has it been really hard with Emma in the picture?” 

Grayson paused, staring over at Bryant with wide eyes, before the waterworks came crashing down and she began to let out heavy, ugly sobs. Her hands came up to cover her face in shame as she cried uncontrollably, grateful when Bryant simply placed his hand on her thigh, letting her get it all out.

It felt like hours before she finally stopped crying, but in reality it was only a few minutes. Bryant had went inside at some point to grab some tissues, patiently waiting for Grayson to calm down as she blew her nose over and over again, eventually going through the whole box.

“Sorry,” She hiccuped after she’d managed to calm her sobs, now just sucking in sharp breaths every now and then as she tried to even her breathing. “‘m such a stupid crybaby.” She let out a weak laugh, finally meeting Bryant’s eyes, seeing a small smile on his face as he handed her her inhaler. He must’ve gotten it when he grabbed the tissues, Grayson thought, taking a few puffs. 

“Shut up, dude. It’s fine.” He insisted, not an ounce of judgement on his face; although it could’ve been the alcohol making him more accepting, Grayson wasn’t sure and she was too far gone to dwell on it. “Have you talked to E?” 

Grayson scoffed, rolling her teary eyes as she finally sat back in her chair, lifting her drink back up to her lips. “She’s his girlfriend,” she said after lowering her glass to her lap, eyes following it. “and it’s exactly like you said, one day we’ll have to split up.” She gripped the glass tighter, feeling another lump form in her throat. “It just sucks watching it happen, I guess.” 

“It’s not like him and Emma are gonna be moving in together any time soon or anything.” Bryant assured her, Grayson’s gaze meeting his again. “We both know you’re still the most important person in this world to Ethan, she doesn’t even come close.” 

The words should’ve cheered Grayson up, but instead she was reminded of how Ethan left her so quickly to be with Emma just hours ago. 

“Yeah, you’re right.” She refused to worry Bryant anymore, not wanting their night to end on a sour note. “Sorry, y’know I get a little sappy when I drink.” She gave him a smile, this one a bit more genuine. 

“Yeah, I remember how you cried when I told you you’d never be able to adopt a cat when we got shitfaced at Coachella.” Bryant laughed, Grayson groaning in embarrassment at the memory. “Ethan almost kicked my ass.” 

The two eventually began laughing together at the memory, Grayson gradually starting to feel better. The rest of the night they continued to drink and enjoy themselves, the two of them eventually making their way inside and up to Grayson’s room where they eventually crashed. 

It was the first time in a while that Grayson was able to sleep without Ethan beside her.

___

Waking up the next morning was hell, Grayson’s skull throbbing immensely and her mouth feeling as if she’d swallowed sand. She felt like shit.

A groan from beside her almost made her piss herself, Grayson looking over and seeing an equally miserable looking Bryant beside her. “Oh shit,” even in her awful state, she couldn’t help but grunt in amusement at the site of her friend looking so terrible. 

A middle finger is what she received in response, Grayson disregarding it as she crawled her way out of her bed. “Holy shit, I’m dying.” She groaned as she stumbled over to her bathroom, in search for some Advil. 

The two of them took ages to make their way downstairs, Grayson mustering up what little bit of energy she had to make them breakfast. “Fuck your no carb rule, dude. Toast is gonna make you feel so much better.” She called to Bryant from the kitchen, scoffing when she only got a weak groan in response.

She had no idea how she powered through cooking even when her skull felt like it was seconds from exploding, but somehow she managed. “Eat up,” she murmured to Bryant, who was now slumped over the surface of the table, Grayson setting his plate in front of him. 

“I love you.” He grunted after slowly lifting his head up to look at the food, digging in only a moment later. 

Grayson watched him in amusement as she sipped her coffee. “Don’t choke, idiot.” She laughed, going to finally start eating her food. 

It was in the middle of their hangover breakfast that they heard the front door open, Grayson much too drained to even perk up at the sound of her brother being home. 

“Gray?” 

“In here.” She called from the dining room, glancing up just as Ethan made his way in. 

Ethan had felt pretty guilty on his way home, figuring Grayson would be quiet and withdrawn like she usually was whenever he got done spending time with Emma, and he was trying to think of a million ways he could make things up to her. He had been completely prepared to suck up to her and be all over his twin as he made his way to the dining room, only to stop in his tracks when he saw her sitting with Bryant. 

“Hey man,” Bryant smiled over at Ethan, oblivious to Ethan’s thoughts. “hope you don’t mind me imposing.” 

“He got wasted last night so he spent the night.” Grayson informed her brother, Ethan a bit disturbed when he saw her grinning over at Bryant. She was staring at him a little too fondly in his eyes. 

“ _We_ got wasted.” Bryant corrected Grayson, stuffing his last bit of toast in his mouth. 

“Whatever, dude.” Grayson laughed, finally looking over at her brother. “Is Emma feeling better?” She was a bit too hungover to muster up any energy to be awkward around Ethan at the moment.

“Yeah, she’s fine now.” Ethan said after a slight pause, ignoring the irritable feeling in his chest at the site of Grayson and Bryant laughing and chatting so casually. “Stay as long as you’d like, Bry. I’ll be in the gym.” He told the two before excusing himself.

Bryant didn’t notice anything weird about Ethan’s behavior, but Grayson caught on almost right away. She was Ethan’s other half, so of course she’d sense a shift in her twin almost immediately. She wondered if something happened between him and Emma the night before and the ugliest part of her couldn’t help but hope they’d argued or even better, broke up. 

She knew it was wishful thinking of course, but after Bryant left, she found herself heading up to Ethan’s room to see if maybe he’d tell her what happened. “Hey,” she smiled when he opened his door, taking note of the fact that Ethan was just in his shorts and his hair was still wet from his shower. Her heart could hardly handle the site, but she played it cool as he let her in his room.“Bryant just left, he said to tell you bye.”

Ethan nodded wordlessly, going back to towel drying his hair. “You guys have a good time last night?” He asked after a few moments of silence.

There it was again. Grayson could hear it in his tone, that something was wrong, and that only piqued her interest even more. “Yeah, he got stood up by some girl so he needed a drinking buddy.” She informed her brother as she watched him curiously. “Is everything okay with Emma?” She was a little cautious about asking, the topic of her brother’s girlfriend not something she ever brought up willingly, but she wanted to know what was bothering him. 

“Yeah, she lost some footage from her camera the other day so she has to redo some filming, nothing too serious.” Ethan explained shortly, Grayson frowning at the response. If it hadn’t been that serious, why did he stay with her all night? 

She quickly dismissed the thought, remembering now wasn’t the time to be a jealous asshole.

“Yeah? Is that all?” She asked, watching as Grayson finally turned to face her, a confused expression on his face.

“Yeah? Why?” 

“You just seem annoyed, so I wasn’t sure if something happened…” Grayson said, a little unsure and confused herself now. Maybe she had been wrong about the whole thing. 

Ethan stared at his sister for a few moments, silent. “If I’m annoyed, it’s not because of Emma.” He said, rolling his eyes and going to toss his towel in his hamper. 

Grayson blinked, completely caught off guard by her twin’s response. “Okay,” she said slowly, aware that Ethan was hinting at something at this point. “why are you annoyed then, Ethan?” 

“Why did you have Bryant come over as soon as I left, Grayson?” Ethan wasted no time, questioning his sister right away. “Are you two fooling around or something?” 

Out of all the things Grayson expected to hear, Ethan accusing her of sneaking around with Bryant behind his back had not even crossed her mind. “What the fuck?” She was stunned, absolutely stunned. “Ethan, what are you talking about? I told you why he came over.” 

“How is it that he seems to show up whenever I’m not around, Grayson?” Ethan snapped, ignoring his sister’s words as his temper got progressively worse. “Every time I’m gone, you’re always hanging out with him. Tell me if something is going on. Are you fucking him?” 

Grayson could feel the sharp pain in her chest blossoming as she listened to Ethan, having a hard time following what he was saying. Was he being serious? Did he really think she was like that? That she could even look at anyone else when she was so stupidly smitten with him? “I am not fucking him, you asshole.” She said firmly, eyes tearing up. “What the hell is wrong with you?” She stood from the edge of his bed, glaring angrily up at him. “Even if I _was_ fucking him, what right do you have to say anything about it?” 

Ethan’s expression faltered at that. “What?” He scoffed. “What the hell is that supposed to mean?” 

Grayson couldn’t believe she’d fallen for such a selfish, idiotic, prick. She’d never felt so stupid, thinking of how much she let Ethan get away with just because of her feelings for him. Even now, there was a huge part of her that wanted to backtrack and apologize for absolutely no other reason than to just have Ethan not be angry with her and it sickened her immensely. 

“I’m done.” She said quietly, quickly wiping at her eyes. She couldn’t keep doing this; she couldn’t keep putting herself through this, even if it was for him. “I’m so fucking done, Ethan. You can go fuck yourself.” 

She planned on leaving his room right away, but of course, Ethan wasn’t having that, grabbing Grayson’s arm before she could head out. 

“Grayson, stop.” 

“No, Ethan, _you_ stop!” Grayson yanked her arm out of his hold, shoving her brother away from her, or at least attempting to, but only getting him to take a step back in surprise. “I’m not doing this shit anymore! Be with Emma, stay with her, and leave me the hell alone!” She exclaimed, crying now. “I was such a fucking idiot, thinking we could ever be something. I was so stupid for thinking you would actually choose me and be content with just- with just _being with me_.” She sobbed. “I’m not doing this anymore. I don’t _want_ to do this anymore.” 

Ethan stared at her, wide eyed and momentarily stunned. Sure, they’d argued and Grayson had said she was done before, but it was his first time seeing her so hysterical and angry and truthfully, it scared Ethan. “Grayson, I _am_ , baby.” He insisted, reaching for her again, not letting her break free this time when she tried to pull her arm out of his grasp. “I love being with you, I’ll always choose you,I swear! I’m sorry for bringing up Bryant, okay? I was being an idiot, I was being a jealous dick, and you’re right, I have no right to say anything. I shouldn’t have done that.” 

Grayson was so overwhelmed by Ethan, struggling in vain to get away from him as he kept her close, his hands going from her arms to her shoulders, to her face, and all she could see was him in a blur of tears. 

“Ethan, please,” she begged, hating that she didn’t have the strength to struggle anymore after a while. He always made her feel so helpless, even after she’d worked up the nerve to finally walk away. 

“I’m sorry, okay? I won’t say anything like that again, Gray. I won’t.” It didn’t surprise her when he kissed her, just made the ache in her chest that much worse; her will power was fading fast. “I love you so much.” 

Grayson wished she would’ve stopped Ethan there, but she eventually found herself in his bed, shamelessly indulging in his affection. No protests left her mouth when he began tugging at her clothes, the younger twin giving in so easily as they got lost in each other. Every brush of his fingers against her skin made Grayson ache for more; feeling him against her and _inside_ of her only further convinced her that the world began and ended with Ethan Dolan and nothing else mattered. He was her everything and she hoped with everything in her that he felt the same about her.

When it was all said and done, the false sense of comfort faded as they lay together, basking in an empty afterglow. Grayson didn’t feel an ounce of security like she normally did after they were intimate; she couldn’t find any of the precious lies she normally told herself surfacing to her mind like they usually did.

“Ethan,” she murmured, looking over at her twin who looked a little spent, but seemed to show the contentment Grayson so desperately craved all over his face. How nice he must’ve felt, knowing he had her in the palm of his hand. 

This time she was the one to make the first move, silently demanding his love and attention fill her up once more. She’d keep going until she felt just an ounce of a relief.

___

Ethan couldn’t recall how many times him and Grayson got lost in each other before finally succumbing to exhaustion. When he awoke, he remembered feeling and tasting her so vividly even in his dreams and instinctively he reached for his twin beside him, only to feel a cool, empty space.

“Gray?” He grunted, sitting up and looking around in confusion. His room had grown dark and he reached for his phone on his nightstand, wanting to check the time before he went to go and look for Grayson. 

It caught him off guard, the amount of texts and missed calls he had. They were mostly from his manager, but he saw Emma and Bryant had reached out to him a few times too.

He checked Emma’s message first, knowing she’d be pissy if he waited any longer to text her back, if she wasn’t already. 

**Emma💕:** _You guys are going on hiatus??_

“What?” He mumbled to himself, clicking the link she sent in the chat, waiting impatiently for the page to load, only to almost drop his phone once it did. “What the fuck?”

Grayson’s Twitter was pulled up, her most recent tweet on display. 

**@GraysonDolan:** _So sorry guys, but this week and next week’s videos are on hold. Just got some stuff going on right now, I hope you guys can understand. I love you all so much ❤️we’ll be back soon._

Ethan reread the tweet a few more times before he launched out of his bed and stormed out of his room. “Grayson!” He called loudly, hurrying to her room and seeing it was empty, before making his way downstairs. “Grayson?” He began to panic when he didn’t see her in the living room and still wasn’t getting a response, frantically looking around the house for her.

It wasn’t until he went to the living room a second time that he caught sight of the small, pink sticky note on the coffee table. Snatching it up, he quickly read over the note his sister had left. 

_E,_

_I’ll be back by the end of the week._

_Gray_

He was livid, absolutely livid! Where the hell did she go and why did she leave without telling him? He couldn’t believe she’d actually left without an explanation.

He called her phone several times, leaving angry voicemails demanding she come back home, only for the voicemails to become more desperate after the umpteenth call. 

“Grayson, baby,” he sighed into the receiver, trying not to get choked up with emotion. “can you at least let me know that you’re safe, wherever you are? Please call me back when you get this, okay? I promise I won’t freak out or- or ask where you are, just call me, okay?” 

He hoped that even though she was clearly angry with him, Grayson would grant him that small mercy and let him know she was safe. Her location on her phone was turned off and Ethan wanted to tear the whole state apart in order to find his sister. He’d never felt so lost and desperate before and Grayson being at the center of his worries only amplified his anxiety. 

He knew he fucked up, and he felt like the biggest jackass on the planet for not recognizing Grayson’s distance from him the entire time they were wrapped up in each other earlier. He had convinced himself she would forgive him like always and he could maintain their fragile stability for a little longer until he worked up the nerve to break up with Emma.

It wasn’t as if he cared for her more than his sister, but there was so much pressure that came with being a well known couple. He couldn’t stop thinking of the backlash he could receive for dumping Emma and how that would affect his and Grayson’s channel and everything he’d built with her, especially if they were ever found out after the news of the breakup died down.

He knew how much Grayson loved their fans and their channel, he felt the same of course, and he wouldn’t know how to face her if their reputation was stained because of his screw up and they were never able to come back from it. To put it frankly, Ethan was scared. 

He’d convinced himself that things would be fine if he just stayed with Emma a bit longer, put on more of a show for everyone. He’d ignored Grayson’s suffering in favor of him pretending what he was doing was the right thing for them and now he was dealing with the consequences. She deserved so much better and Ethan knew it, both she _and_ Emma did. 

There was no point in wallowing in self pity while he waited on his sister, Ethan knew that much. He was aware of what he needed to do to really prove to Grayson that this time was different; he wouldn’t keep hurting her like this. 

After finally replying to Emma and letting her know he’d be back at her place shortly, he text Grayson, not knowing if she’d even read the message, but wanting her to know he would be waiting for her when she was ready to come home. 

****

**To Gray ❤️:**  
_I will see you at the end of the week. I love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the delay! I got really busy with work, school and major writer’s block. I was gonna try and wrap this up in 2 chapters, but before I knew it I was already at 7k words for this chapter and couldn’t end it properly without rushing it. This chapter seems a little rushed to me even with the amount of words it has, but I’ll aim to do better when writing the next, and final, chapter. Also, thanks you for taking the time to leave comments and kudos on the last chapter!
> 
> Wishing you all happy holidays and a great new year! See you in 2020 :)

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks again for reading. Comments and kudos are appreciated! x


End file.
